There are lies, damned lies, and advertising
• I’ve never seen that before in my life, honest!
Remember that great 2003 Honda ‘Cog’ TV commercial with the chain reaction of car parts? Beautifully shot by Antoine Bardou-Jacquet for ad agency Wieden+Kennedy, at a cost of – hold your breath – £1million. Great idea, stylishly realised. Won the Grand Prix at Cannes and spawned loads of imitators and spoofs.
Remember that great 2003 Honda ‘Cog’ TV commercial with the chain reaction of car parts? Beautifully shot by Antoine Bardou-Jacquet for ad agency Wieden+Kennedy, at a cost of – hold your breath – £1million. Great idea, stylishly realised. Won the Grand Prix at Cannes and spawned loads of imitators and spoofs.
Not their concept unfortunately. It was ripped off the German short film ‘Der Lauf der Dinge’, (The Way Things Are), by David Weiss & Peter Fischli (1987). Of course the ‘creatives’ responsible denied ever having seen the original, meaning either they’re lying or they’re just not very well educated in modern culture. What would have been so wrong with paying the originators for using their idea and ‘interpreting’ it how they like? They had a million pound budget for crissakes. It’s not a crime to be inspired by something, but if you’re going to have the gall to nick another’s idea wholesale at least have the balls to admit it and credit the creator.
Here’s a link to ‘Der Lauf der Dinge’;
Here’s a link to Honda’s Cog rip-off;
Coincidence? Con incident more like! Wonder how much of that million quid budget was allocated to the creative process? (£28.99 on Amazon for the original).
• Our survey said
A sneaky little ploy in advertising, especially on TV, where a company boasts that “X% of people asked said that our product was the best”. Especially prevalent at the moment in make-up and hair products for some reason. But take a close look at the small print. More often than not the survey sample size is pretty low to say the least. One TV advertisment recently boasted that “87% of women agreed that our shampoo gave them fuller body and longer lasting colour!”. The sample size: 35 people! That’s like asking round the office for a show of hands. Not compelling evidence in my book.
But first prize goes to Reebok Easytone trainers and their ludicrous claim that these overpriced plastic slave labour clogs could visibly tone your bum and legs. The survey size? Five. That’s right, they asked five people and built an ad campaign around it. Five people?! What did the fucking creative do – ask his family round the dinner table? Mum likes ‘em, sis likes ‘em, I like ‘em, but dad and Rover disagree. The Advertising Standards Authority took a very dim view and Reebok were forced to pull the outrageous claim from their ads.
• Products so good we had to fake the ad
Again it seems to be mainly beauty products here. Take a good look at current L’Oreal ads for eyelash gunk. They boost volume by over 50%! Give you fuller, thicker lashes than all their contemporaries! You won’t believe the difference! Too fucking right you won’t. The small print halfway through the ad states, “Filmed with lash inserts and augmented in post production”. It actually says this on the ad. So confident are they in their product’s effectiveness that not only do they have to use fake lashes, but they then have to touch the bloody things up in Photoshop! Fuck me, with that as a precedent I could bring out a wonder hair restorer that gives bald men locks worthy of Samson himself, filmed using wigs and hair-do’s cut n’ pasted from Google!
We see this sort of thing all the time on women’s magazine covers, where celebs have had countless hours of retouching to remove moles, freckles and have pounds of flesh literally trimmed off their fat arses in Photoshop. And worst offenders are work-out videos. A friend of mine is regularly tasked with trimming the flab off the likes of Rosemary Connely and Carol Vorderman just to fit them on the bloody cover.
• You can never have too much hyperbole
Either you have a product that does something new, different or very well; or you just blow shit up out of all possible proportion and pretend it’s some kind of statement of fact.
People never just have a good night’s sleep. Instead they waft around on clouds with fluffy sheep skipping over fences and fairies lulling them to lullaby land.
A Big Mac isn’t just ‘tasty'. It’s better than winning the lottery while shagging a dozen Playboy bunnies as you score the winning goal in the World Cup.
Lynx doesn’t just mask your armpit odour. It transforms even the most repulsive geek into a tart magnet surrounded by literally thousands of salivating wanton supermodels on heat, begging for it on all fours.
Admen will argue that they’re just being “post modern” or “selling the dream”. I would argue that if you’re being post modern then you’ve run out of ideas and your employer should reconsider your salary. And if you’re “selling the dream” then your product has no meanigful features worth advertising.
A Big Mac isn’t just ‘tasty'. It’s better than winning the lottery while shagging a dozen Playboy bunnies as you score the winning goal in the World Cup.
Lynx doesn’t just mask your armpit odour. It transforms even the most repulsive geek into a tart magnet surrounded by literally thousands of salivating wanton supermodels on heat, begging for it on all fours.
Admen will argue that they’re just being “post modern” or “selling the dream”. I would argue that if you’re being post modern then you’ve run out of ideas and your employer should reconsider your salary. And if you’re “selling the dream” then your product has no meanigful features worth advertising.
• “The funniest movie you will see all year”
Oh yeah, says who? So you know what makes me laugh do you? It’s only fucking February and I’m sure another ‘funniest comedy of the year” will be along in a week or so. And no doubt it will have Vince Vaughan and Jennifer Bloody Anniston in it.
Oh yeah, says who? So you know what makes me laugh do you? It’s only fucking February and I’m sure another ‘funniest comedy of the year” will be along in a week or so. And no doubt it will have Vince Vaughan and Jennifer Bloody Anniston in it.
• Critics are calling it...
Well, the critics called it a lot of things actually, when you read the full review. But we decided to cherry pick the one single positive word in the whole piece, despite the overall summation being it was a piece of crap to be avoided at all costs. “Brilliant” - Daily Mail. (“This book sucked beyond belief, in stark contrast to the once brilliant author’s back catalogue”).
Well, the critics called it a lot of things actually, when you read the full review. But we decided to cherry pick the one single positive word in the whole piece, despite the overall summation being it was a piece of crap to be avoided at all costs. “Brilliant” - Daily Mail. (“This book sucked beyond belief, in stark contrast to the once brilliant author’s back catalogue”).
You can always judge a review’s worth by the size given to the reference of the quote. If it’s any good, you’ll see it rated Five Stars by, in large letters, Empire Magazine or Film 2010. If the movie sucks it will be Five Stars and in tiny tiny text The Daily Star or Gary Fucking Bushell.
• More clichés than you can shake a stick at
Oh god, where to start?
- Dad, boyfriend, husband is a numpty, plonker, fool, sucker or embarrasment
Men, particularly white, middle class males, are always the punching bag in ads. Mere male cocks up and it’s always the woman or kids rolling their eyes and explaining that they should have used Product X to solve the problem.
The AA boiler repair campaign is a painful example. Poor old John Cleese can’t get it into his head that the Automobile Association also now repair boilers and plumbing. (“Faulty showers”, groan). He doesn’t even think of calling a heating engineer for that matter. Instead he sits at home in a sleeping bag and his long-suffering, eye-rolling daughter has to come and sort him out. Then just a couple of days later his pipes burst and the fool has forgotten completely about the AA’s new service and daughter has to come sort the demtia-ridden geriatric yet again. Poor old John doesn’t need the AA, he needs a fucking social worker.
The AA boiler repair campaign is a painful example. Poor old John Cleese can’t get it into his head that the Automobile Association also now repair boilers and plumbing. (“Faulty showers”, groan). He doesn’t even think of calling a heating engineer for that matter. Instead he sits at home in a sleeping bag and his long-suffering, eye-rolling daughter has to come and sort him out. Then just a couple of days later his pipes burst and the fool has forgotten completely about the AA’s new service and daughter has to come sort the demtia-ridden geriatric yet again. Poor old John doesn’t need the AA, he needs a fucking social worker.
- Gravel-voiced voiceover man
In a woooorld where... In a tiiiime when... A new word for horrorrrr... And always the same larynx lacerating growl voicing movie trailers. Grrrrr! I’d like to see him advertising shampoo for a change. “L’Oreaaaaal - because you’re woooooorth it”.
In a woooorld where... In a tiiiime when... A new word for horrorrrr... And always the same larynx lacerating growl voicing movie trailers. Grrrrr! I’d like to see him advertising shampoo for a change. “L’Oreaaaaal - because you’re woooooorth it”.
- Mr Smug takes a drive in the country
Cars are only ever bought by smug, self-satisfied twats who swan off to the Scottish Highlands or sun-drenched beaches of Spain, and cruise around leisurely listening to Top Gear’s ‘50 Greatest Driving Songs’. You never see the poor bastard stuck motionless for three hours on the M25 like 90% of owners, or begrudging the fact that he’s had to take out a second mortgage to fill the bugger up at the pumps.
Cars are only ever bought by smug, self-satisfied twats who swan off to the Scottish Highlands or sun-drenched beaches of Spain, and cruise around leisurely listening to Top Gear’s ‘50 Greatest Driving Songs’. You never see the poor bastard stuck motionless for three hours on the M25 like 90% of owners, or begrudging the fact that he’s had to take out a second mortgage to fill the bugger up at the pumps.
If it’s not that then it’s a small city runabout that inexplicably dances on rooftops, transforms into a mechanical Michael Flatley, or blasts UFO’s from the sky with its laser beam headlights.
• Oh come on. Really??!!
“I’m a PC, and Windows Pish was my idea!”. There’s an ad for Windows Whatever that seeks to highlight the benefits of ‘secret browsing’. The idea, so the ad claims, is that hubby can surf for birthday present ideas for his beloved wife without her knowing what he’s been looking at. Yeah, right! Now come on, we’re all adults here. We all know the dirty little oik has been ogling YouPorn.com and slipping a quick one off the wrist while she’s been down the shops. Why else does he look so embarrased when she pops back in through the door? Just call it P’orn Free’ and be done with it.
The other ad in the campaign I don’t get is the pleb on holiday in Spain, who is enjoying his stay so much that he feels the need to tap into his computer back home, sit alone in a bar, and watch saved videos of monkies eating their own poop. Why the brainless, imagination-free-zone went overseas in the first place I’ll never know. “I’m a PC and the best thing I could think of spending my precious holiday time on is watching old videos on me own”. If you’re a PC mate I’ve never been so glad of being a Mac.
“I’m a PC, and Windows Pish was my idea!”. There’s an ad for Windows Whatever that seeks to highlight the benefits of ‘secret browsing’. The idea, so the ad claims, is that hubby can surf for birthday present ideas for his beloved wife without her knowing what he’s been looking at. Yeah, right! Now come on, we’re all adults here. We all know the dirty little oik has been ogling YouPorn.com and slipping a quick one off the wrist while she’s been down the shops. Why else does he look so embarrased when she pops back in through the door? Just call it P’orn Free’ and be done with it.
The other ad in the campaign I don’t get is the pleb on holiday in Spain, who is enjoying his stay so much that he feels the need to tap into his computer back home, sit alone in a bar, and watch saved videos of monkies eating their own poop. Why the brainless, imagination-free-zone went overseas in the first place I’ll never know. “I’m a PC and the best thing I could think of spending my precious holiday time on is watching old videos on me own”. If you’re a PC mate I’ve never been so glad of being a Mac.
